I took a trip earlier this summer and I lost my favorite bathrobe; I left it on a hook in a hotel bathroom. Turns out, I left a piece of my heart in that hotel bathroom, too. There’s no good way to say it. No one's story is simple.
I don’t regret it. I don’t know how to be done with it. I won’t apologize for loving someone. I'm still learning and I did the best I could, but my heart got hung up to dry right next to my grey waffle wrap that I loved so much. There were a lot of things in that hotel room that I loved so much. I still love them. I wonder if they will ever come back to me.
The hurt this summer has been deep. Sometimes you just have to let it. It’s mortifying for me to say I’ve been feeling hurt and alone; it shows a type of weakness that’s easy to mock, easy to call out as dramatic or even deserved. Some people would certainly say I deserve it, but I can only make decisions for myself. Who are they to say what other people should or should not experience in this life.
We all get defensive because we are afraid of hurting. Because we are afraid of loving. Because we are afraid of being vulnerable. Because we are afraid of what might happen if we decide to be true to our hearts and let it get messy. We cannot go back again. Nothing has happened that wasn't exactly as it was meant to happen. There are matters that are of a higher priority, and that is really the root of the problem, provided that you decide to view love as a problem. Sometimes people are not who we think they are. This is where we learn. This is where we grow. This is where we are prepared. All we can do is give the time and space to let it hurt until it can’t hurt anymore. It’s damn hard to do.
I’d love to say I have no room for the people who chose to hang my heart out to dry, but that’s the thing about love and souls and magic; we don’t get a choice. My love is like water, vast and deep and flowing and ever-present. I know this for sure: everything that is meant for me is already mine. It will all present itself to me in due time. Until then I will let it hurt until it can’t hurt anymore. I’m almost there. I love you.