On October, tricky business, and staying above the fray

Years, months, weeks, days, hours. The idea of how we organize time has always been fascinating to me. The moon, the tides, there’s a very primal rhythm to it, despite our wild modern-day life we have forced over that rhythm. We have natural phases like the moon; we have highs and lows like the tides. It’s all connected.

October, for some reason, has always been a significant month for me. Maybe it is the leaves revealing the colors they have been hiding that gives me the strength to show mine as well. But somehow, even before I was conscious of it, I get braver in October. I tend to lay it all out on the table in October, and then I see those ripples. They are all mixed up with pleasure and pain and freedom and responsibility. It’s part of my rhythm, part of my natural phases.

There’s been a lot of weird upheaval in my life lately. A lot of uncertainty. Somehow I’ve been managing to stay above the fray, almost like I am watching it below me, as if it’s set apart from me, like it’s not real. But it is so very real. I’ve been trying hard to focus on love. It’s funny how after forty years on this planet I am just now discovering what love really is. I still am unsure if I really know. But it’s whispering to me, and it’s becoming more clear as the days pass.

Love is tricky business. It is so many things all at once. I have recently come to consciously realize that for me, love has to start with God. I feel like I talk about God here more than I intend to, but my God isn’t about judgement or fear. He is love. And you can call it the universe or higher vibration or whatever you choose; it’s the feeling though, the feeling that no matter what you have done or will do, there is a place where you can rest and receive forgiveness. There is a place where you can be fully accepted as the person you are, without feeling ashamed or self-conscious or sad. That feeling is warm and encompassing. That feeling is love.

I want to live in that place with my boys, my family, my people. I want to be that love to them. I want to be a place where they can rest and receive forgiveness, where they can experience peace and laughter and happy. It takes a lot of strength to be that place for someone else. I have to remember that this type of love, real love, has no room for fear or comparison or jealousy. Those are the things that pull me, personally, back down into the fray, that cause me to make those quick and harsh decisions that I later will regret. It’s so easy for me to fall into the trap of jealousy, especially in this weird world where I have access to everyone’s highlight reel at my fingertips. I poke and prod at my own insecurities. But I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: that’s not real. It's just not. 

Real love is trust and honesty. It's being brave enough to ask for what you need. It's releasing comparison. It’s being confident enough to know that there is no reason for jealousy. It’s being certain that your own individual love has a power all it’s own, a power that’s meant especially for your people. It’s being bold enough to give the gifts of grace and time, it's having enough faith to know that real love will endure. It’s being fearless enough to let go when you need to, knowing that real love tethers you to your soul family regardless of time and natural phases. The natural phases will bring them back, always. As a mother, as a friend, as a lover, it’s really no different; it's all equally intense. It’s tricky business, love. And that’s exactly why it’s so good.

I feel the squeeze whenever I let go. It’s bittersweet. It's extremely difficult for me. But my love has power. I am confident in that. Falling into the fray doesn’t serve anyone. It’s October. Let’s reveal our colors, let’s love each other well, let’s stay above the fray. There’s no room for anything else when your heart is focused on love.